Everyday Objects · 18 questions

Which Office Stapler Are You?

Answer 18 questions to find your match.

1. The office printer just spat out 84 pages. Be honest — what does your soul do?

Rubs its hands together. Finally, a worthy opponent. Panics quietly, does 15 pages, needs a lie-down Refuses staples entirely — origami tab, baby, zero metal Jams on page 3 and takes the rest of the afternoon off This is why I was forged in 1974. Bring it.

2. Your villain-origin story. What broke you?

Someone borrowed me 'just for a sec' in 2019 and never returned me A jam so catastrophic that I now jam on principle They called me 'just a stapler.' Just. A. Stapler. I outlived everyone who was ever nice to me Nothing. I'm tiny and pure. I have no dark side.

3. It's 3am. You're the only stapler awake in the building. What are you thinking about?

How many sheets I could bind if truly unleashed (the answer scares me) Whether anyone would even notice if I vanished. They wouldn't. I'm communal. My color palette. Do I photograph better in warm or cool light? The good old days, when staplers were made of actual iron and respect Which unsuspecting document I'll ruin at 9am sharp

4. Your coworkers describe you in one word when you leave the room. It's probably…

'Iconic.' (Also: 'don't touch her stapler.') 'Reliable.' Boring, but they'd cry if I left. 'Extra.' In the best possible way, obviously. 'Cursed.' They mean the jamming. I know they mean the jamming. 'Adorable.' Then they forget I exist for six months.

5. Hot take. Say the thing you'd never say in the group chat.

Staples are a crutch. Real binders punch and fold. If you can't bind 200 pages, you're a paperclip in denial Sharing a stapler is basically sharing a toothbrush Everything after 1987 is plastic and lies A little jamming keeps everyone humble. You're welcome.

6. Someone reaches for you without asking. Your immediate internal reaction?

Absolutely not. This is MINE. I have written my name on my base. Take me. Use me. I belong to the collective. I have no self. Fine, but admire my soft-grip ergonomic handle first Go ahead. It'll jam. Consider it a lesson. They can barely lift me. Nice try, weakling.

7. Your secret ritual that you'd deny under oath.

I test-fire one staple into the air every morning. For confidence. I sit dead center on the desk, perfectly parallel to the monitor I rotate my seven color faceplates by mood and season I remember every hand that has ever held me. Every single one. I pretend to work, then jam. It's improv, really.

8. The office supply cabinet is your dating pool. Who's your type?

A box of 5,000 staples that promises to never leave The hole punch. Rugged. Punchy. Understands my aesthetic. Nobody. I don't NEED staples, remember? I'm self-sufficient. The little sticky-note pad. Cute, low-stakes, always around. Whoever the intern left me next to today. I'm not picky. I'm communal.

9. Would you rather…

Bind 500 pages once, gloriously, then retire a legend Be red, beloved, and forbidden to everyone but one person Live 40 years and be slightly rude about modern staplers Come in seven colors and be everyone's phone wallpaper Jam at the exact moment it's funniest for me

10. Your pettiest, most specific pet peeve.

People who staple diagonally. There is a CORRECT angle. Being used for two flimsy sheets. I am a BEAST. Respect the beast. When someone doesn't notice I changed my color today The word 'staple-free.' In my day we used METAL, thank you. People who expect me to actually work every time

11. You've been left behind at a desk. How do you spend the layoff-quiet weekend?

Guarding my territory. Nobody moves me. This desk is a monarchy. Getting relocated to three different desks by Monday, as usual Reminiscing about the 90s. We had SUCH staplers back then. Practicing my one-touch action so it stays smooth and gorgeous Napping. I've got twelve staples of energy, tops.

12. Guilty pleasure. Nobody's watching. What do you do?

Fire a staple into the wall just to feel something Admire my own reflection in the monitor. Iconic angle. Refuse to jam for a whole hour just to prove I could all along Whisper to the new staplers about how it USED to be Bind a single sticky note. Tiny job, huge satisfaction.

13. The new intern nervously asks how you work. You…

Deliver a 20-minute monologue on your ergonomic engineering Say 'you don't touch me, that's how' and glare Proudly explain there are NO staples, only ingenuity Demonstrate confidently, then immediately jam Tell them I've trained forty interns and outlived half of them

14. Your friends say you're the '___' of the office. Fill it in.

The diva. The main character. The one with the ring light. The muscle. Call me when things get heavy. Literally. The grumpy grandpa who fixed everything with a good whack The loose cannon. Nobody knows what I'll do next. Neither do I. The little one everyone forgets and then suddenly adores

15. A rival stapler appears on a nearby desk. You…

Do nothing. I'm red. There is no competition. There is only me. Challenge them to a page-count duel. I will win by 300 sheets. Point out they use staples like a caveman. So primitive. Befriend them. Everyone's welcome at my communal little station. Jam dramatically to steal the spotlight back

16. Choose your walk-up entrance music.

A heavy industrial bass drop. The desk trembles. A full orchestral fanfare. I have arrived. Bow. Crackly jazz from a 1960s radio. They don't make it like this anymore. A single sad trombone, because something's about to jam A quiet, pleasant ukulele nobody notices but everyone likes

17. You get one wish from the Office Supply Genie. You wish for…

Infinite staples and the arm strength to use them all A tiny 'DO NOT TOUCH' sign with my name laminated on it To never, ever jam again (we both know this won't happen) An eighth color. And a spotlight. And a small documentary. To be repaired, not replaced, for another glorious 40 years

18. Last one. The building's on fire. What's your final thought?

Someone had BETTER grab me first. I am irreplaceable and I know it. I could probably staple this fire shut if someone believed in me I survived worse in 1979. This is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Perfect timing to jam one last, unforgettable time Nobody will grab me. I'm communal. I've made peace with this.

About this quiz

Somewhere on your desk, right now, sits a small metal creature that has silently witnessed every deadline, every printed-then-immediately-recycled email, and every time you stapled a document, realized it was the wrong document, and quietly wanted to leave the country. That creature is your stapler, and it has been forming opinions about you this entire time. Today, we return the favor.

This is a rigorous, deeply unserious personality assessment that sorts your soul across five scientifically dubious trait axes: your firepower (dainty two-sheet nibbler or two-hundred-page industrial monster), your drama (quiet background hero or seven-colors-and-a-soft-grip show-pony), your chaos (perfectly aligned angel or the gremlin that jams every fourth staple out of pure spite), your loyalty (freely shared break-room saint or a fiercely guarded "this is MINE and I have written my name on it"), and your nostalgia (sleek plastic newcomer or a cast-iron heirloom that has outlived three managers and possibly a small war).

We've lined up eight legendary staplers for you to become. Maybe you're the iconic Red Office Legend that nobody's allowed to borrow twice. Maybe you're the Heavy-Duty Beast, magnificently overkill for a single two-page memo. Perhaps you're the Chronic Jammer, whose entire personality is a metallic crunch and a ruined afternoon. There's a Tiny Desk Buddy who holds twelve staples and infinite charm, a Break-Room Communal who belongs to everyone and therefore no one, a smug little Staple-Free Rebel doing origami with your paperwork, an Antique Cast-Iron judging everything invented after 1987, and an Ergonomic Show-Pony that reduces hand strain by ninety percent and will not stop telling you so.

Answer honestly. Not "who you want to be at your next performance review" honestly — 3am, alone with the office supply cabinet honestly. We'll ask about your secret rituals, your pettiest pet peeves, your villain-origin moment, and what your coworkers say about you when you leave the room. Then we'll press it all together, hope nothing jams, and hand you the result you were always destined for.

So grab something to clip your dignity to, and let's find out: when the printer whirs and the paper piles up, which stapler beats inside your chest? There's a strong chance it's the red one. There's a stronger chance you're in denial.

👀 Show all possible results (spoiler)

No peeking — it’s more fun to take the quiz 😉

The Red Office Legend You are the iconic red stapler everyone recognizes and nobody dares borrow twice. You've got personality, a fan following, and a very specific spot on the desk that is non-negotiable. Take you away and someone will burn the building down. The Heavy-Duty Beast You don't do 'a couple of sheets.' You do two hundred pages of an annual report in one satisfying CHUNK. You're overkill for most situations and absolutely thrilled about it. The Tiny Desk Buddy You are small, adorable, and hold about twelve staples before you need a lie-down. Nobody expects greatness from you, which is exactly how you sneak up and charm everyone. Pocket-sized icon. The Chronic Jammer Every fourth staple, you decide today is a good day to fold in half and ruin someone's afternoon. It's not a bug, it's your entire personality. People fear the little metallic CRUNCH that means you've struck again. The Break-Room Communal You belong to everyone and therefore to no one. You live chained near the printer, get abandoned in weird places, and always run out of staples at the worst moment. A true public servant with zero boundaries. The Staple-Free Rebel You bind pages by punching a clever little origami tab and using ZERO staples, and you will tell everyone about it. Eco-smug, futuristic, and mildly insufferable at parties. The office isn't ready for you, but you're here anyway. The Antique Cast-Iron You weigh as much as a small dog, you've outlived three managers, and you were forged when staplers were built to survive a war. Heavy, dependable, and slightly judgmental of everything made after 1987. The Ergonomic Show-Pony Soft-grip handle, one-touch action, comes in seven colors, and photographs beautifully. You're less a tool and more a lifestyle. You reduce hand strain by ninety percent and you WILL mention it unprompted.

Which Office Stapler Are You?

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